Tummy Troubles

A few weeks ago I started having stomach pains that words fail to describe. "Sharp stabbing pain", "burning spasms", and "an icy clench" all fall short of giving the full picture. It was most unbearable when I bent over to put on my shoes. (Which was unfortunate as it is winter and going without shoes is unpleasant.) So, I headed to see a medical expert who performed all sorts of tests. The good news: I have no cardiac troubles WHATSOEVER! My heart will live on long after I die. Whoever inherits it will live another 200 years at LEAST. The bad news: she suspected acid reflux...or ulcerated esophagus...or it could be those pesky gall pebbles I had been warned about in May when I had my appendix removed. (Curse those small organs!) Step 1: I was to get a prescription filled for a super duper medicine. Step 2: I was to eat very, very small portions of food.  Step 3: I was to follow up with an appointment in a month to see how dramatically I had improved. Well, Step 1 was a bust because my health insurance company refused to cover the medications and I refused to pay $500 a month out of pocket.  Step 2:  I did eat tiny bowls of food, and that did seem to help a bit.  Step 3: I did return a month later for a follow up and I saw the same doctor (what--you think we suffer under a the yoke of a national health system that shuffles us around from one doctor to the next? Pfft! I live in the country with the best medical care in the world!) and she seemed kind of disappointed that I was still have troubles. She squeezed my abdomen (which didn't hurt so the appendix didn't grow back and become necrotic all over again) True, I was able to bend over without screaming in pain, but I was nauseous when awake and eating (even tiny portions) was sometimes painful. So she ordered a "scope", a procedure where they wind a camera on a stick down your throat, through your stomach and into your small intestines. Well, when you put it like that, who wouldn't want to get up before sunrise on a Friday morning to get scoped? This was yesterday. We (grandma and I) arrived a bit early and, because some deadbeat didn't show up, I was hustled in ahead of schedule. Several times I had to verify that I knew my own birthday and last name. Then they valiantly tried to get an I.V. in me. Hah! My veins are "shy" (that's what nurses tell me) and refused to cooperate for quite some time. I wasn't bothered--I would have been surprised if they had cooperated. Finally, the I.V. went in and I was wheeled into my little operating room: it was sectioned off from other operating stations by a curtain and the radio was playing a local rock station loudly. Well, whatever keeps the surgeon awake.  I was then turned on my side, a "bite piece" was popped into my mouth to stop me from clenching down on the camera--would I clench when fully anesthetized? What else would I do? It doesn't bear thinking about. Then I was told that I would soon fall asleep and then wake up in a different room--and they were right! Next thing I knew I was in a room (a curtained off space) that I had never seen before. A few seconds later the surgeon came in and told me the news:  Good news: no ulcer!  Bad news:  I have a hiatal hernia (this is when a bit of your stomach pops up above your diaphragm and forces its internal juices up into your throat--annoying stomach!) and gastritis (inflamed stomach lining which causes nausea before, during and after eating--pretty much constantly).  He then patted my arm and told me to call "any time I had questions".  And then, once again, I was given a high powered prescription for miracle meds that Simon found when he tried to get them from our local pharmacist that my insurance company won't cover. Aside from medicine I don't have access to, what is there to do about this g.i. plight? Not much, other than cutting a lot of foods I like out of my diet. Such as? Well, let's see. First, all citrus are out--too acidic. And this includes not just oranges but all citrus. I am going to miss pineapples. Apples are ok, (and so are bananas).All caffeinated drinks are out--no coffee or tea.And the "tea ban" extends to all teas, including decaf and herbal. (In fact, all peppermint in any form is out--which explains why all that peppermint I was eating to "soothe nausea" wasn't doing much.) I don't think I'll even pretend to commit myself to following this rule. I need caffeine--a LOT of caffeine. Also, no chocolate in any form. What else? No spices of any kind. No alcohol. No oils or fats. No carbonated drinks. No tomatoes in any form (no soup, sauces--pizza, pasta or otherwise, no slices on salads or sandwiches). No tasty sauces of any kind.  After being told all the foods I cannot eat, Simon said, "If I were you, I'd be really depressed right now." He then tucked into a cheese and tomato sauce soaked pile of pasta and afterwards followed it up with a giant wedge or chocolate.

And, of course, I'm supposed to relax and reduce stress.  So...don't read the news, don't think about politics at work, or at the local, national or global level, or, in fact, think about any aspects of the future whatsoever .  Yeah, that will work.