Various readers have complained that my description of the drive to Chicago was far too one-sided, with Thomas coming off as churlish at best. So here is Thomas's version of events:
"First of all, the driving was terrible: she creaked down the driveway like a tortoise. Then, she almost killed us three times within a mile of our house. She clearly had no idea how to work the car. (I thought of offering to drive but didn't because I didn't want to. Besides, she needed to figure it out for herself. But I did give her suggestions loudly, which she didn't listen to.) Second, she kept pulling food and drinks out of thin air, food and drinks she clearly had no intention of sharing with me. (I knew this because she was trying to sneak eat and drink them. But I knew what she was doing.) The tea was disgusting ("unsweetened"*,) but I drank it. And the apple was a misshapen monstrosity. I ate it. Noisily, so that she'd know what I knew she had saved the inferior one for me. Third, she asked to stop every five minutes! If she had her way, we'd still be driving to Chicago. At one point, for no reason, she did pull over without consulting with me first (I would have reminded her there was no reason at all to stop) and disappeared into a gas station for half an hour (she said there was a line for the women's bathroom--a likely story!--and came back loaded down with food that I TOLD her we didn't need (We had JUST eaten lunch three hours earlier. I had eaten all I could possibly eat then and I am sure, though I wasn't paying attention at the time, that she had as well). She had purchased two doughnuts (really small, and one was covered with pink frosting--ridiculous! I ate them both), a bag of nuts and dried fruit (there was no way I was going to eat that--later, I did sample it and it was just as I thought it would be, complete crap. And although I ate plenty more during the remained of the trip, each time I took a bit I pointed out again that it really was awful. She also had gotten me a bottled cold coffee drink of some sort. It was pretty good. I don't think I mentioned that I like it, but I didn't complain. Of course she missed the correct turnoff once we got into Chicago. (This has happened before when we've been out driving this summer. Clearly she's becoming demented. Knowing that she needed to know, I told her she was showing her age. Sadly, it is common for the elderly to resist accepting evidence of their own decrepitude, and she was no different, taking great umbrage when I pointed out how incompetent she was being.) Also, lest I forget, she sighed a lot--a LOT--during the drive. I pointed this out but it didn't stop her from doing it.
We got to the hotel before dark which seemed to give her an unseemly degree of happiness. Fearing that she would simply spin in confused circles once we got off the freeway, I gave clear and repeated (and loud, I know old people lose their hearing) instructions to guide her to the hotel. A wise decision on my part, as she therefore managed it without mishap. Once in the parking lot, she again showed her age by dithering about picking a parking spot. First this one, then (worried it was too narrow for this behemoth Simon purchased for no obvious reason) she slowly crept on to another space but then, no, that wasn't (she imagined) good enough either. After trying on every empty space in the lot (and, thank God, there weren't many by this time of night on a Saturday) she picked one identical to the rest. She started to unstrap the bike to take it to the hotel but I, fearing their objections, gently suggested that I stay with the bike while she check it in. I pointed out that, given that she had 4 (!!) totes (what's with the totes? why must everything go into little totes when you could, as I do, simply use one large backpack?) This fairly straightforward suggesting obviously confused her. So I laid it out in terms a child could understand: go to the hotel, check in, ask if they allow bikes in, find the room, DROP OFF YOUR THINGS, and come back and we will manage the bike. When thusly laid out, she understood and happily went on her way. Finally, after doddering about doing who knows what, she came back and brought the bike in. And, I'd like to point out, when properly informed, the doorman held open the door for us. I can only hope she learned from my reason.
Once in the room (Aside: I realize that my plan outlined above had her going to the room first but I was shocked to discover that she had not simply dropped off her things, but had obviously set up camp for herself and, like a greedy 19th century homesteader, had staked claim to all the ripe property within the room: the optimal bed, and best outlets, the choice bathroom sink space...it was ridiculous. And I believe I had every right to say so.) she immediately suggested going out. Honestly, I worry about her. I gently suggested that she rest for a few minutes (immediately she demanded to know 'how many minutes', as if such things can be coldly calculated) before we go flying out the door. Every five minutes she demanded that we go. Not wanting the discussion to escalate, I finally conceded (after the 30 minutes I had first suggested, I'd like to point out) and we went to the Thai restaurant near by. I really was not hungry--and told her so in no uncertain terms--but she ordered 3 (!!) appetizers in addition to the two full meals we ordered.** When the food came, my heart sank: the portions were enormous and there was simply no way I would be able to eat all that food. Yet, I knew from years of experience, that she would push the food on to me, expecting me to engulf it like a boa constrictor. It was delicious, and I did eat everything, which seemed to make her happy--yet, like a drunken gambler who keeps going back to the slot machine, the minute we finished the meal she asked if I wanted to go across the street to Dunkin' Donuts to buy an ice cream dessert. So ridiculous a suggestion I could hardly contain my astonishment.
After finished our meal, we went to the car so I could get a shirt for tomorrow and then we went to the hotel. After that, the evening was quite peaceful. I spent my time productively on my phone, and she watched a movie and knit. Her last words before falling to sleep were, "You had better not snore." I hardly need mention that it was SHE who is far more likely to snore. And with that, I close my account of the TRUE events of yesterday."
*I confronted her on this obvious contradiction. She claimed that she put sugar in her tea (!) when she had purchased the sugar herself and so knew what it was (!!) whereas with store bought tea she didn't trust (!!!) them to use real sugar and so went without (!!!!). I mean, honestly, how ridiculous a tissue of lies can there be? Either that or further signs of senility.
**The subtext of this whole experience should make one thing clear: she is riddled with contradictory views about money. On the one hand, wasting piles of money on gas station doughnuts, coffee, and Thai appetizers all the while complaining about how much they cost (the gas station "goodies" cost over $13, she felt the need to say to me--twice!--and, one the other when I express genuine concern for the costs of tuition, she waves my worries away and says, "Don't worry about it. We make shitloads of money for the little work we do. We're fine!" Never an honest and clear discussion, just teeter tottering from one extreme to the other. But, such inconsistency and insincerity has been my tragic foundation of my entire childhood experience.
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