To my knowledge the first Billy Wilder film in color, and the reuniting of The Apartment stars Jack Lemmon and Shirley MacLaine. Based on a French farce, and Wilder didn't change the setting, but its stars don't attempt accents (well, Lemmon does an egregious English accent at one point, but for good reason). Unquestionably a lesser Wilder, although certainly charming, and although over two hours long, it doesn't drag (mainly because there are definite "acts" to the plot and each act requires a minimum amount of time to present, so the movie never seems stuck in the mud). My main complaint is that I rarely find farces funny (let alone French farces), closely followed by the fact that I think MacLaine is miscast as the titular Irma, who is supposed to be a good hearted prostitute (that's not a cliché), with a fondness for the color green, who is irresistible to all, and she just doesn't exude the right earthy charms. Marilyn Monroe would have been perfect, but (a) probably Wilder wouldn't've wanted to work with her again, and (b) she died in 1962. The Judy Holliday of Born Yesterday would also have been perfect, and I can't imagine why Holliday never worked with Wilder (although she did with Lemmon), but there you are, life is flawed. Anyway, here are the basic "acts."
1. Nestor the policeman
Jack Lemmon is Nestor Patou, a rather naive policeman (flic),
used to patrolling children's playgrounds, who has been promoted to patrolling the bustling market district and the red light Casanova Street that abuts it. It takes him a while to twig that it is a red light district,
and it only happens after he's had a pleasant chat with Irma (whom we've been introduced to as someone who always manages to milk her johns (if The Apartment must have been scandalizing for the USA of 1960, I can't imagine what this film did) of extra francs by telling fibs about various misfortunes (although the fact that her little dog has kidney stones is repeated often enough throughout the film for one to assume it to be true).
When the centime finally drops, Nestor turns out to be surprisingly a man of resourcefulness: he activates the fire alarm at the hotel that all the girls (Lolita (Hope Holiday, whom we met in The Apartment), Amazon Annie, Kiki the Cossack, The Zebra Twins, Suzette Wong (played by Tura Satana before she was immortalized as the star of Russ Meyer's Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!), Carmen, and Mimi the Mau Mau)
use for their liaisons and separates prostitutes and clients into two groups, arresting only the former. He has strong words with an irascible john, whom he later meets back at the station as his chief inspector (Lefevre). Unknown to Nestor, when he was in the local café talking to its proprietor "Moustache" (a serial fabulist of uncertain nationality, who cuts off each outrageous story with "but that's another story" and is really the star of the film), the local pimps (mecs) assumed his upturned cap on a stool beside him was left there to deposit bribes in (because it always has been for the previous cops on the beat) and when he takes off his hat in the Chief Inspector's office, all the money flutters out. Fade to black.
2. Nestor becomes Irma's mec
Nestor shows up back at the café with nowhere to stay and witnesses Irma's pimp Hippolyte The Ox mistreat her.
He challenges him to a fight and somehow manages to defeat the much larger man, which effectively makes him top dog and Irma rewards him by taking him back to her place (which isn't the hotel - as she explains, that's her "office") but is instead a rather nice second floor apartment nearby, and her bed (as she explains, she sleeps naked, and we catch several glimpses of naked back to confirm it). Irma appoints Nestor her mec and that becomes his new job. Cut to soon afterwards and we see him appropriately sharply dressed, hanging out in the café explaining to a bewildered Moustache why he is so miserable. While Irma earns more than any two of the other girls, Nestor doesn't want her to be a prostitute.
3. Enter Lord X
Moustache recalls that there was a time when Irma had a client who was so wealthy that she didn't need to sleep with anyone else, but that ended when his wife left him (French humor there). This gives Nestor an idea: he will borrow 500 francs from Moustache, pose as rich eccentric Brit Lord X who desires only companionship (they play "double solitaire" together) from Irma but pays 500 francs a visit twice a week, enabling Irma to swear off sleeping with anybody. Cue Jack Lemmon's egregious English accent and shameless mugging of the sort that makes his antics in Some Like It Hot look like subtle minimalism.
But his disguise is pretty effective, I will concede, although he does forget which eye the eye patch goes over. However, this of course means that Nestor has to find an alternative source of income to pay back Moustache (particularly as he has other expenses, like paying for champagne when he gets elected King of the mecs, and also to replace the entire day's wages that Irma has to contribute to the new mecs' retirement fund) and this he finds in working all night in the next door market, lugging entire sides of cow around among other thankless tasks. This means that the situations are reversed: where previously Nestor's complaint was that Irma was always too tired, now Nestor (who creeps out of bed after Irma drops off (wearing nothing but her sleep mask) and crawls back in at dawn) is perpetually exhausted and irritable, and Irma, who now has time on her hands, becomes disgruntled (to the extent that she reneges on her promise to give up smoking (MacLaine is as unconvincing a smoker as she is a sexpot)).
4. Exit Lord X
Finally Irma wakes up before Nestor returns and, on catching him, becomes convinced he's having an affair with "Lolita" (there are constant references to all kinds of movies released around this time - not only does Lolita wear the iconic heart-shaped sunglasses, Lord X makes references to films like Lawrence of Arabia and Bridge on the River Kwai) and resolves to run away with Lord X. In fact she seduces Lord X disproving his claimed impotence, a fact that outrages Nestor, who rants to the bemused Moustache about how Irma is being unfaithful to him. So Nestor decides to get rid of Lord X and, dressed as Lord X, walks to the River Seine, changes to himself and dumps the costume in the river, yelling invectives after it. Unbeknownst to him, however, Hippolyte had been following Lord X intending to rob him, was momentarily distracted by a cop and so missed the change of clothes, but witnessed Nestor leaving and Lord X's eyepatch and stick float to the surface. Of course he has always hated Nestor, so is happy to have him arrested. Nestor is about to explain everything to the cops when Moustache appoints himself Nestor's lawyer, takes him aside and tells him that the actual story sounds insane and no jury would believe it, so he should instead plead guilty and explain it as motivated by lover's jealousy. While this wins over Irma, it does not win over the jury, and it's off to prison for Nestor.
5. Lord X lives!
Cut to the prison yard nine months later and a guard collects Nestor because he has a visitor. Nestor is none too pleased to see Moustache (given his bad advice), but Moustache tells him that Irma is about to give birth and gives him enough of her ribbons to make an escape rope. Escape he does and reunites with Irma,
only for Inspector Lefevre and a bunch of cops to show up looking for him. He avoids capture by donning his old police uniform and joining with them pretending to look for Nestor.
This is a well-executed farcical scene, I will concede. But even after they leave, Nestor knows he can't dodge them for long. Nonetheless he promises Irma a big wedding so that the child is not born illegitimate. How is this going to be possible? Cut to the café where Moustache is revealing to Hippolyte that Nestor is hiding out at the scene of the crime, under the bridge, but that he Hippolyte must not reveal this. So of course Hippolyte runs to a phone and we see him and Lefevre and a bunch of cops show up by the Seine looking for Nestor. What they instead witness, however, is Lord X emerging from the Seine with no memory of how he got there. So, with no victim, Nestor can't be a murderer, and is free to get married. This he manages to do just in time before Irma has to be rushed to a back room of the cathedral where Moustache reveals his midwifery skills (but that's another story) and a daughter is born. Irma tearfully reveals that it is not really Nestor's child, it is Lord X's, but he promises to raise it as his own. And Lefevre gives him his old job back, because he wants him to help solve the mystery of Lord X, but Nestor demands he be allowed the children's playground beat again. Moustache leaves and wanders into the cathedral, where one guest remains sitting in the pews. It is... Lord X!
As you can see, it doesn't lack for plot or for set pieces, it's just all a bit more-smiley-than-laughy, like watching a panto or something. Still, everyone is game, you can't lose with Jack Lemmon, and if you pay very close attention, you will spot a young James Caan as a soldier listening to baseball on the radio.