Simon claims he's too busy to write this movie review. I've had a major migraine all day (weather shift) and am now highly medicated, but here it goes:
We watched Movie 3 in the Knives Out series, and I have no idea what it is called. Each movie, which feels like something that should be part of the Sunday Night Mystery Movies series I watched as a kid and featured Columbo and MacMillan and Wife, is pretty lightweight. Aside from one truly exceptional performance by a lead character, the rest seem cheesy and overwrought--and that include the genius detective, Benoit Blanc played by former James Bond somebody. The detective is from Louisiana (pronounced LEEZ ee Ann AH) and, given that this takes place in what looks like northern New York, one can't help but wonder why the hell he's there? Who called him? He's asked that several times by the lead character, but never gets an answer. So, let's get to it.
The movie starts with us meeting a young priest with a HEAVY New York City accent--that tells us he grew up rough [Simon here - the actor is Josh O'Connor, who is English, and I honestly thought he was doing an Irish accent at first (you know- stereotypical Catholic Priest) but then it morphed into an American accent)].
And he did: he's a former boxer who accidentally but not really killed a guy he hated in the ring. Now he's all I Love Jesus and priestly--until he clocks an older priest giving him attitude. So, Priest Boy is sent off to northern New York to a TEENY church where a famous asshole runs the place into the ground. Our Priest Boy shows up and Priest Man [Josh Brolin - a lot of joshing in this movie]--who looks like a cross between a country singer and a cowboy--hates him instantly.
He demands Priest Boy take his confession, and simply relates revolting tales of how he jacks off every chance he gets--then holds out his hand (clearly the one that does the business) to shake Priest Boy's hand. This is the first of many aggressively offensive acts Priest Man does to Priest Boy.
Then we meet the parishioners one by one, which doesn't take long as there are only about 5:
1. Martha [Glen Close], a righteous religious fanatic who actually runs the church business. She's been there since she was 7 or so, and has no life outside this church.
2. Samson [the perpetually underused Thomas Hayden Church], a disheveled gardener/maintenance man who isn't really religious, but he's now sober and believes it's because of the superior power of Priest Man. Martha loves him and he seems fond of her.
3. Nat [Jeremy Renner, convincingly playing a weasel], the drunken doctor who is now alone as his wife took off with their children. He never seems to work but spends his time drinking and feeling sorry for himself.
4. Lee [Andrew "Hot Priest from Fleabag" Scott] A has-been author who writes crap and blames feminists, gays, Trans people, immigrants, minorities and other "Libtards" for his failures.
5. Vera [Kelly Washington] - A young black woman lawyer who could have done great things but instead stayed here to continue her father's law office doing small potato stuff like wills and deeds. Every time she came on the screen I asked myself, "Why the hell would a family of black lawyers move to that town?"
6. Simone [Cailee Spaeny] Beautiful cellist who develops mysterious neurological disorder and spends all her time feeling sorry for herself and waiting for Jesus to cure her.
7. Cy, [Daryl McCormack] a young mixed race man who was raised by lawyer because her father told her to. She has no idea who his mother is. He had political ambitions and wanted to ride the MAGA train, but he (according to him) lacked the cult of personality. So he spends his time spying on people here and videotaping their private conversations and posts them on social media.
We see Priest Man bully, manipulate and control these losers. He also cons them out of all their savings. They fear and adore him. And, because he tells them to, they also hate Priest Boy.
So, by now, Priest Boy is pretty miserable and he and Priest Man fight and say words in anger,
which Cy tapes.
Then, next day, Palm Sunday, Priest Man is giving a hate loaded sermon, walks off to a small closet to "recover" and drops dead. No one sees him die, but all see that no one was in the room with him when he died. Although it was seemingly impossible, all our townsfolk blame Priest Boy and he becomes more miserable and guilt ridden--not because he killed the asshole but because he's so happy the guy is dead.
Then, weirdly, our Louisiana Detective enters the room
(literally) and takes over everything, even bossing the police around. He, thrilled as all get out, announces that we have a Locked Room Mystery!!! (Later, he finds the church book club has been reading cozy British murder mysteries by Carter Dickson and Agatha Christie and he's convinced the murderer invented a Locked Room mystery in honor of the books.)
BUT, I must point out, he's wrong: locked room mysteries really have
locked rooms with the dead body inside and, usually, a murder set up to look like suicide. A closed circle mystery is an obvious murder with a small circle of suspects all nearby, no locked room, BUT the physical impossibility of any of them doing the crime because they were all looking at each other at the time of death.
I can't say more without giving too much away other than to say within 24 hours there will be three more deaths and a resurrection and death of the Priest, totaling four or five deaths, depending on whether you think he died, lived and died again or just died and then walked around while still dead.
Very over the top ending, very hokey acting, yet excellent performance by Priest Boy that not only saves the movie but makes it worth watching.
