Illinois James and the Citadel of Spiders
By: Thomas Cushing
Introduction
It was an ordinary day in the life for our courageous and talented hero, Illinois James. Illinois James was relaxing in his home in Eastern Noshelville with his two sisters, Bobimda and Bobinda, when he received a call from his distant cousin, Iowa Smith. Iowa Smith is an exceedingly gifted college graduate from W. N. A. (West Noshelville Academy) who studies Noshinese Ancient History. He had recently discovered the ruins of the ancient capital of the Arachifant Empire, a huge empire that was feared far across the land of ancient Noshelville and its surrounding cities. There are rumors that the emperor of the Arachifants owned a priceless ancient artifact, but he hid it in a secret location. However, the emperor of the Arachifant Empire had a strange affection for spiders, and often kept many oversized spiders as pets. It is said that any citizen in his kingdom who merely touched one of his pets would immediately get executed. It is also said that all the descendants of his pets still lurk within the ruins of the capital.
That’s why, when Iowa Smith discovered the ancient ruins, he was not hesitant to call up the best explorer he knew, his cousin, Illinois James, to take on the treacherous job of exploring the remains of the ancient wonder.
Chapter 1
Upon receiving the call, Illinois James quickly grabbed his exploration suitcase, which contained his protective iron underwear, his brutally jagged knitting needles, designed especially for sword fights, and of course, his famous plastic toy whip. After collecting his supplies he hurriedly bid farewell to his twin sisters, Bobolinda and Bobolimda.
“So where d’ya think yer going in such a rush? Another explorin’ trip?” asked Bobolimda.
“Yup,” replied Illinois James, “It was requested by ol’ cuz Iowa. Now I really gotta be going, so see y’all.”
Illinois James quickly dashed out the door before his sisters could speak another word, and ordered a taxi to Iowa’s house.
When he arrived at his destination, he was cordially welcomed by his cousin. Iowa Smith was slightly short and plump, with a plaid shirt on. He looked like he hadn’t slept for days.
“Greetings and salutations, dear cousin! It has been far too long since our last meeting! Please allow me to welcome you to my humble home!” said Iowa with great delight.
“Well howdy cuz. Long time no see, eh? Now how you been?” replied Illinois James, as the two cousins shook hands.
“Oh, that is not important now! Do come in and have a cup of tea,” insisted Iowa, so Illinois James followed him into his beautiful small house.
When Illy entered his cousin’s living room, he noticed that the walls were completely covered in bookshelves, and each one was stuffed with books that looked like they were written centuries ago. Before Illy could sneak a look in any of the aged books, Iowa entered the room with a teapot.
“Ah, well I suppose it is time for me to explain my purpose for summoning you hear,” said Iowa as he poured himself a cup of tea, “Well, I was reading a book about ancient Noshelville that I recently picked up, and I found a hint about the capital city of the Arachifant Empire still existing. You’ve heard stories about the Arachifant Empire, haven’t you?”
“Oh, wasn’t dat the one place with that guy who was like a spider or somthin’?” asked Illinois James, “Didn’t he used to make webs, and eat people and stuff?”
“No, dear cousin, I’m afraid not,” chuckled Iowa, “Those are all merely spurious rumors. However, the emperor, Lord Phineas Arachnid did enjoy the company of oversized spiders, and kept a large amount of them in his empire. He was also in possession of an invaluable artifact, the Crystal Tarantula, which has been hunted down for many years by many intrepid adventurers. However, none of them have been able to pinpoint the location of the capital city, Octweaver, where the artifact is said to be hidden.”
“So, Cuz, why’d ya call me over?”
“I was just getting to that. You see, I have been researching the topic nonstop for the past couple of weeks, and I believe that I have been able to estimate the approximate location of Octweaver!”
“Ooooh! So, ya prob’ly want me to go out’n get this Crystal Tarantula, don’cha?”
“Precisely. Before you leave, I need to inform you on how you should go about acquiring the desired item. It is required to traverse through the Woods of Uncertainty before you find Octweaver, and once you do, you must find an entrance to the capital city. You see dear cousin, Octweaver is a fortified city, or a citadel, meaning it is circumscribed by an almost impenetrable wall,” explained Iowa.
“Mm’kay, gotcha. Now what do I do after that?” inquired Illinois James.
“You must proceed to the center of Octweaver where you will find the Lord Phineas’ grandiose palace. Once inside, you must uncover the secret passage to his hidden tomb underneath the palace.”
“Hidden tomb?”
“Yes, the Arachnid family had a massive tomb hidden underneath their palace. It is said that they kept most of the spiders down there, and it is probable that the Crystal Tarantula is also hidden there.”
“Alright, seems simple enough. Well I’ll be on my way!” said Illinois James as he headed towards the door.
“Wait, wait! Do not be so hasty! Take this map to Octweaver before you go! Also, are you positive you do not want to stay the night here and get rested before you go on your long and treacherous journey?” asked Iowa before Illinois James had a chance to leave.
“Nah, I’m fine Cuz,” replied Illy as he accepted the detailed map, “I’ll just take yer little Jeep out there, ‘kay?”
“Yes, it is acceptable if you drive my automobile to the citadel,” said Iowa reluctantly, “Farewell then, Cousin. Do please endeavor to proceed with utmost caution.”
“See ya Cuz!” said Illy as he excitedly raced to the Jeep, hopped in, and drove off to the Woods of Uncertainty.
Chapter 2
Illinois James was steadily driving the speedy jeep through the winding path that ran through the Woods of Uncertainty when he came upon an obstruction: a massive log in the road!
“Now what’m I gonna do ‘bout this?” wondered Illinois James, and then he saw a patch of soft dirt. Illinois James quickly dug a long hole in the dirt, and then used his herculean strength to push the log a short distance into the hole.
On the road again, Illinois James drove on until he crashed right into a huge, mossy wall. Upon impact, a small section of the wall caved in.
“Uh-oh. I hope ol’ Cuz Iowa didn’t like his Jeep too much, ‘cause looks pretty broken. Oh well, at least I can get in the city now.”
As our hero entered the citadel though the opening he created, he noticed that all the houses were in bad shape, and most of them had completely collapsed. Illy was able to recognize what looked like it used to be a palace.
“Wow, looks pretty old. I sure hope there ain’t anymore of them spiders in there,” said Illinois James as he slowly snuck into the remains of the palace.
The first thing our hero noticed was an enormous petrified spider in the center of the main room. The spider statue was surprisingly in perfect condition and it stood out from the rest of the room which consisted of moldy tapestries and a tattered carpet.
“Hmmm, now Iowa wanted me to find some secret tomb thing underneath this castle, so I wonder where I should look for it,” Illinois James thought to himself. He then thought about all the ways it could be hidden, “Well, I might hafta find a secret area under the carpet, or push in a loose brick or somethin’. I dunno, I’ll just look around.”
So Illinois James searched in all the appropriate hiding places, but no secret tomb could be found. Finally, Illinois James worked up the courage to search under the moldy and rotting tapestries, and when he did, he found a secret lever.
“Well whattya know, a secret lever. I bet that when I pull this, the secret passage is gonna open right up,” remarked Illy as he proudly pulled the lever. However, instead of opening a secret door to the tomb, the lever caused the giant spider statue to come to life! The statue burst off of its altar and opened its eight, gleaming red eyes.
Before Illinois James could react, the spider shot extremely sticky web from its mouth with supersonic speed, and soon Illy was bound to the wall. The stone spider’s eyes started to glow a bright red, and just before it could fire its lethal laser at our hero, Illinois James snatched his titanium underpants from out of his backpack and used them to reflect the laser right back at the spider. When the living statue was hit, it started vibrating uncontrollably, until it finally crumbled into a heap of rubble.
Once the demonic statue met its demise, a secret corridor opened up in the wall. An old and musty haze poured out of the doorway which hadn’t been touched for hundreds of years. After cutting himself loose of the artificial thread and emitting a noisy victory cry, Illinois James courageously stepped right into the passageway and rushed down the prehistoric hallway without a twinkle of fear in his eye.
Chapter 3
After trudging through the incredibly extensive and completely bare passageway, Illinois James suddenly stepped into a colossal, cavernous room. The circular room had a vast and seemingly bottomless pit in the center, with only a small and fragile ledge encircling the chasm. The room’s main and most attractive feature was a humongous luminous sphere that was suspended over the center of the pit by a thick strand of web. Spider web designs were engraved all around the crystal orb, and it looked gorgeous, yet frightening. However, the first thing Illinois James noticed when he entered the room was not the crystal sphere, but a cacophony of scuttling, scraping, and hissing.
“What’n tarnation is that awful noise? And HOLY COW! Look at the giant crystal! That must be worth’a fortune!” Illinois James exclaimed as he looked up at the crystal orb in great awe and passion.
“OW!” Illinois James shouted as he suddenly felt an acute pain in he left ankle. When he looked down at his leg to see what it was, he saw a spider that was about a foot long, and it had glistening cerulean teeth.
“Gah! Away with ya, you awful beast!” Illinois James shouted as he kicked the oversized arachnid. The unusual spider quickly scampered off just as Illy realized the thin floor was absolutely covered various types of giant, intimidating spiders. After jumping back in shock of the sheer quantity of the unique spiders, Illinois James remembered his duty, and searched for clues. After a short period of time, Illy noticed a platform on the other side of the pit. Illinois James had no choice other than to cross the narrow path that encircled the chasm.
Illinois James slowly and gingerly sidled along the ledge, which was difficult for him because his ankle was beginning to swell up. Once our hero finally reached his destination, he breathed a heavy sigh of relief and looked at the wall to see a bizarre device installed on an oddly colored section of the wall. When Illy looked at it, some ancient text mysteriously appeared on the device. It read: “In the English language, there is one word that is six characters in length, and it changes both its definition and pronunciation when its first letter is capitalized. Utter this word to gain access to my treasure.”
“Now what is that word? I got no clue, maybe Iowa’ll know,” thought Illinois James, and he pulled his cell phone out of his pocked and proceeded to call his cousin.
“Aw, dang it! I ain’t getting’ any service down here!” exclaimed our hero with frustration, “By golly, my screen sure is pretty dang dirty. I suppose I should polish…” before Illinois James finished his sentence, the device on the wall made a loud dinging noise and the door quickly melted into a dust and faded away. Without argument, Illinois James just decided he was too smart for his own good, and entered the doorway. In the small room that he entered, there was a tile on the floor that glowed with many colors. Illy decided to step on it, and when he did the world began to spin around him. When Illy opened his eyes, he was in a different room.
The new room was completely covered in solid crystal with spider web engravings all around it. Suddenly, Illy realized he was inside the crystal orb, suspended above the pit! Our hero peered out of the translucent crystal and saw the room he was previously in, and he noticed that the frenzied noise of the massive amount of spiders was not even audible in the orb. Then, Illy remembered the Crystal Tarantula and his mission, and he looked around the room for clues, and he saw a pedestal with an incredibly beautiful crystal sculpture of a spider.
“Hey, this must be it!” said Illinois James with excitement as he snatched the Crystal Tarantula off its pedestal. However, before our hero could look for an exit, a dark figure appeared in the room.
“Oh G-God, you’re t-t-the ghost of that on Lord Arachnid guy aren’t y-y-you, and you’re here to get r-revenge on me for taking your Crystal Tarantula a-aren’t you? Oh please have mercy!” babbled Illinois James with immense fear.
“No, you fool! I am your arch-nemesis, the evil mastermind Oklahoma Johnson, and I’m here to destroy you once and for all!”
Chapter 4
“Who the heck are you? I’ve never seen ya before in my life!” Illinois James asked, “And how d’ya get down here in the first place?”
“Oh ho ho ho ho, you see, Illinois James, I’ve been following you all over the country, and now I’ve finally got you cornered! I will defeat you with my new super weapon, the A.A.A.A.A.!” cried Oklahoma Johnson gleefully.
“What do all those A.s stand for?” demanded Illinois James, “And WHO ARE YOU!?”
“Oh, you are questioning my title, aren’t you? WELL, it is the abbreviated form the name of my new weapon, the Atrocious, Aggressive Armored Arachnid… OF AWESOMENESS!” cried Oklahoma Johnson, and as soon as he did, a massive metallic spider with a cannon on its back appeared. Each of its eight legs looked like it could pierce through solid boulders, and it had a cockpit where its head should be.
“Muahahaha, you’ll never defeat me this time, Illinois James!” shrieked Oklahoma Johnson as he leaped into the cockpit. As soon as he did, he pushed a button and the cannon turned on. The intimidating weapon pointed directly at Illinois James.
As soon as the cannon fired, Illinois James deftly evaded the shot by sliding out of the way. The explosions from the cannonball created a giant gap in the crystal where Illy was just a second ago. He tried to counter-attack by stabbing the horrible machine with one of his knitting needles, but the attack bounced right off. Illy realized he had to find another way to destroy the spider and the madman who was controlling it.
Suddenly, Illinois James knew exactly what he needed to do! Our hero jumped out of the gap that the explosions caused, and he used his plastic whip to swing up on top of the crystal sphere. He then proceeded to slash furiously at the webbing that held the crystal sphere above the chasm using his knitting needles. After the thick rope of thread had been reduced to a thin strand, Illy hastily swung off the crystal and back to where he first entered the room. Illinois James watched as the last strand of web snapped and the massive crystal sphere fell into the pit. Illinois James did not here it hit the bottom.
Epilogue
“My my, you sure did do a number on my Jeep. Oh well, that is no longer of importance,” said Iowa Smith cheerfully as he escorted Illinois James into his new Jeep.
“Yeah I know, I’m sorry,” replied Illinois James.
“Oh dear, your ankle is turning an interesting shade of cyan, how did this happen?” asked Iowa.
“Oh, some weird spider with blue teeth bit me,”
“Oh my, that might have been an extremely poisonous spider called the Blue Saggothee, I’ll have to research it when I get home. Here, let me carry the Crystal Tarantula,” said Iowa, and Illinois James passed it over, “Oh, it is quite cumbersome! Well, I will endeavor to have this displayed in your private museum, but you need to go to the hospital!”
“Aw man, I do?” replied Illinois James.
“Yes, it would be best for you. However, you did a very good job today, dear cousin, and I’m sure it will get you in the Noshinese hall of fame. Good Job Illinois James!”
The End
