The Criterion Channel clearly knows its audience, because it's just added a slew of Cary Grant comedies. Sadly, we have seen most of them, even trifles like The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer, but there are some later color ones that we'd manage to miss, of which this was one. The expressions on our co-stars faces basically give away the tone of the thing, as does the fact that (a) it was directed by Blake Edwards, and (b) it involves a pink submarine (although not until well into the film). But at the same time, it's not outright farce, and some of the settings and scenes certainly appear to be realistic depictions of wartime action. It is bookended by Cary Grant, now an Admiral, visiting his first command, the submarine Sea Tiger, on the day it is to be scrapped, and becoming absorbed in the handwritten log. Cue flashback to a Japanese air attack that practically cripples the sub before it has ever had a chance to run a mission. Grant insists that it can be patched together enough to reach a dockyard where more extensive repairs will be possible, even though the nearest one, in Darwin, is thousands of miles away. His CO is doubtful, and half his crew has already been reassigned, but he gives Grant and crew a couple of weeks to work miracles and promises him he'll find a few more sailors to complement the crew. One of these turns out to be Nick Holden (Tony Curtis), who is at first mocked by the scruffy crew (parallels with The Caine Mutiny) because he shows up in the glowing white uniform of admirals assistant, and is known to circulate among the high society of the local base, and admits never to have actually put to see except once by accident, but who turns out to be a devious scrounger with a poverty-stricken childhood, who has sworn to use the uniform to marry into money (and has already found a railway heiress who is game). Anyway, he proves his worth by essentially stealing all the bits of equipment that the crew have failed to requisition (with the help of his friend Ramon, whom he recruits from jail),
and the Sea Tiger is able to put to sea (after an incantation from a local witch doctor, hired by Nick), albeit with only one engine working, and that one barely (the witch doctor removes his mask and expresses doubt about their chances after they putter off). Nonetheless, the Sea Tiger is seaworthy (even though she groans loudly while submerged). They soon after put in at an island and Nick goes ashore for some reason I can't remember, only to return with a troop of army nurses who have been stranded when their plane flew off in a Japanese air attack. Grant's commander is not happy but agrees to transport them, and the real film kicks in, which is about the crew of the sub reacting to the presence of hot women in their midst.
One particularly busty but clumsy one (the Marilyn Monroe role, in this case played by Joan O'Brien) evidently falls for Grant, but the chaos she keeps causing (like causing the sub to miss a sitting duck enemy tanker by backing onto a button) keeps coming between them.
Meanwhile Nick pursues the blonde Dina Merrill,
and she is initially keen to reciprocate until she starts talking about families and he lets slip about the railway heiress. Their commanding officer, meanwhile, a more mature woman of 38 (Virginia Gregg) drives the woman-hating mechanic crazy by being a better mechanic than him. MEANWHILE, they stop off in the Philippines, and Nick is sent ashore to get more equipment, which he procures by setting up a fake casino and trading engine parts (otherwise not available) for chips, while the Filipino dealers he's working with ensure they never have to pay out. This is where the pink comes in: there's not enough "red lead" or "white lead" undercoat for the whole sub, so they have to be mixed, to produce the color that mortifies the second-in-command.
The plan is to paint it over with grey, the next day, but... There's also an incident with a pig, which they steal from an irate farmer with plans to roast it for New Year's dinner. But this is interrupted both by a Japanese air attack and the arrival of a number of Filipino women (a couple heavily pregnant) and children, whom Nick has promised the husbands of that he would transport them to safety. Off they go, with the nurses now able to practice their midwifery skills. Tokyo Rose broadcasts a threat to the pink submarine that is picked up by allied forces and interpreted as a ruse to get them not to attack a Japanese sub, so when our heroes surface next to an allied ship in an attempt to offload their passengers, they are attacked and depth-bombed after they submerge. The only way to get them to stop is the reason for the film's title... I actually enjoyed this a lot more than I feared. It's much slower-moving than a modern comedy would be, but this allows you time to get to know and like the characters. The sexist humor isn't too offensively so, and every character is viewed affectionately, which lends a warm glow to the proceedings. There are some tense moments, too, although the sub never actually sinks anything, despite Grant's character's earnest wish to. And of course both Grant and Curtis (fresh off Some Like it Hot, where of course he does a Cary Grant impersonation) are effortlessly charming. So, thumbs up!
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